


We're A Million Worlds Apart

by smol_infp



Series: Soulmate AU!Tree bros [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Im bad, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Soulmate AU, Suicide Attempt, i havent written a fic in forever, i love DEH though, this is youre born with a mark identical to that of your soulmate, this isnt like a you reach a certain age and bam a quote
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-25 04:40:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10756908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smol_infp/pseuds/smol_infp
Summary: In which Evan Hansen is terrified of soulmates. He's terrified of the concept. His mom hadn't been born with one. Even so she married his dad and look where that got her. He was worried he would be too scared to talk to whomever shared the mark with him and they'd pass through his fingertips.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> i have no writing capabilities bUT MAN I LOVE THE TREE BROS AND I WANT TO TRY also angsty shit my dudes. my tumblr is @smolsadshitpost if any one feels like following. It's just a lot of random shit. Dear Evan Hansen, Heathers, Hamilton, and bad memes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Evan Hansen is terrified of soulmates. His mother was born without a mark and married his dad and look how that turned out for her. He was worried he would see someone with a mark identical to his and be too scared to say anything and he'd watch them slip through his fingertips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has only been edited by me so im sorry if it's all over the place. hey you should follow my tumbr, it's @smolsadshitpost . it's got all sorts of bs on it but i'm going to try to keep my schedule for updates on there. I hope u enjoy the roller coster

_'Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. You haven’t completely messed anything yet. Then again it’s only the first day of senior year.. ~~Who knows? You might meet your soulmate this year. It might be someone you already know. For all you know it may even be Connor Murphy.'~~_

Evan shook his head and marked through the last few sentences. He knew it was unlikely that his soulmate even lived in the same state he did let alone in the same city.

_'Who knows? Maybe you’ll finally try to make a friend. Get some random face to sign this stupid cast. But then there’s Zoe. All my hope is pinned on Zoe. Maybe somehow it might work? No, she’s too good a person. There’s no way anything will work out. You couldn’t even find the right height to ‘fall’ out of a tree.'_

Evan groaned frustratedly and hit print before deleting and closing the document. He turned around and there was Connor Murphy. Holding his letter.

“Hey. I’m sorry about-” he paused, clearly debating his words, “I’m sorry about shoving you earlier. I was high and paranoid and I took it out on you.” Evan nodded and swallowed roughly.

“Don’t worry about it, I just-”

“Oh fuck sorry right I saw this on the printer and figured it was probably yours because _‘Dear Evan Hansen’_.” Connor interrupted. “How’d you get break your arm?”

“I- I uh, I fell out of a tree.”

“A tree? Well isn’t that the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard,” he stopped for a moment, looking at Evan’s cast, “no one’s signed it.”

“Yeah.. Idontreallyhaveanyonewhowouldwantto.” Evan gushed.

“I’ll sign it.”

“Oh, n-no you don’t need to do that.”

“Do you have a sharpie?” Evan nodded and handed it to the taller boy. Connor took it and grabbed Evan’s arm.

“Ow.” He winced.

“Oh. Sorry.” Connor signed it in an uppercase scrawl, covering most of his cast.

“No we can both pretend we have friends.”

“Connor, the letter?” Evan prompted nervously. Connor made an ‘oh, right’ face and moved to hand Evan the letter, that is until he noticed a name far too familiar to him. Zoe. Evan moved to grab the letter but Connor yanked it back. “Why were you writing about my sister? You had to know I was the only other person in here. You knew I would see this. You wanted me to freak out so you would be able to tell everyone that I’m a freak, that I’m crazy. That was your plan, right? That’s why you did this!” He yelled angrily.

“What? N-no! I-it’s an-” Evan stuttered. Dammit Evan! Could you have worse timing for this?! He thought to himself

“Bullshit!” He stormed off, quickly folding the letter and shoving it in his pocket. Evan stared at Connor’s slowly fading form. Now what was he going to do?

********

Evan walked into his house sullenly. He wanted to go to the Murphy’s to get the letter but he was afraid of what Connor would say. What he might have already said.

“Hi honey! How was your first day?” Heidi asked happily.

“It was fine mom,” debating whether or not to do what he knew he should, “...can I uh- go to a friend’s house?” The giant grin that split his mother’s face gave him an immediate answer.

“Of course!”

“I’ll see you later mom. Thank you.” Evan said, heading back outside after setting down his backpack. His walk to the Murphy’s was a long one. He was so nervous. He didn’t know what to expect. He moved agonizingly slowly up the steps of their porch to the door. He knocked hesitantly and shifted his feet. The door swung open, revealing Cynthia Murphy.

“Hi. Are you here to see Zoe?” she asked, raising an eyebrow at the unfamiliar boy. He shook his head.

“No I um- I’m actually here to see Connor?” He explained awkwardly, showing her his cast. She looked surprised but she told him how to get to his room. Evan thanked her and slowly made his way to Connor’s room.

Evan stood outside for a few minutes before knocking on his door.

“Go the fuck away Zoe!” Evan knocked again. The door swung open and revealed an extremely angry looking Connor. Who had his hair up? “I said-” he stopped, realizing it was in fact not his sister. “What do you want Hansen?”

“M-m-my letter? I really uh- I really need it. It wasn’t some sort of cruel joke I swear! I have really uhm- I have really bad anxiety and my uh- my therapist told me I should write these letters ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why.’ because he thinks that it will help with my confidence or something. I think it’s stupid but I write them because it makes my mom happy and I really need that for my appointment so can I have it back.” Evan rambled, looking at the floor and wringing his hands. Connor let out an unamused breath. Evan inhaled sharply, worried about what would be said next. Connor turned around and went into his room and motioned for Evan to follow. Evan entered cautiously, but as soon as he was completely in the room the door was slammed behind me.

“What did you mean by _‘Who knows? You might even meet your soulmate this year. It may be someone you already know. For all you know it might even be Connor Murphy.’_?” Connor demanded, holding the slightly crumpled letter. Evan paled and swallowed uncomfortably.

“I-I uh- I’m sorry- It wasn’t supposed to be a making fun of you or anything- I’m sorry- I was just trying to- I was- it was- it- it was a really stupid way of saying my soulmate could be someone I wouldn’t expect.”

“Or someone you wouldn’t want. Because who wants the stoner freak for a soulmate right?” Connor spat venomously.

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

“Then what did you mean, Hansen!?”

“I don’t know! I was trying not to overthink the letter because if I did then I wouldn’t be able to write it. I guess I was just thinking about what happened this morning. I don’t even know if you actually have a-”

“I do,” Connor said flatly, “it’s behind my left ear.”

“Mine is on my inner right heel.” Evan replied instantly. “Sorry- I- you didn’t even ask- I- sorry-”

“Evan, stop apologizing. It doesn’t matter. I probably would’ve ended up asking eventually.” Evan nodded, an intense blush spreading over his cheeks. “I should uhm-”

“I have another question.” Connor said, staring at Evan intently. “What does _‘You couldn’t even find the right height to ‘fall’ out of a tree.’_ mean?” He asked, doing the air quotes around fall. Evan lurched. “I didn’t fall.” Connor raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t fall. I let go. I thought I was high enough but all I got was a few scrapes, some bruises, and a broken arm.”

“You.. you let go?” Connor whispered, seemingly surprised.

“I climbed as high as I could and the branch I was on snapped. I- I caught myself but then I just let go.” Evan gulped. He hadn’t told anyone. No one, except Connor now, knew that he didn’t accidentally fall. He purposefully let go. He wanted to disappear. “Uh- anyway I should probably go home now. My mom is probably worried, canipleasehavemyletterbackIreallyneeditConnor.” Connor handed him the letter silently and Evan moved to exit. As he reached the door, Connor spoke again.

“Hey Evan Hansen, tomorrow is going to be a good day and here’s why. You have a friend now. Not just a ‘family friend’. And even though I’m going to be a massive asshole sometimes, I’m going to try and remind you as frequently as possible that no one deserves to disappear,” he paused, “if i was high none of this would’ve happened. Happy ‘first sober Connor’ experience.” Evan smiled at him and quickly headed out of the house. As he reached his house he realized he hadn’t stopped smiling since he left Connor’s house. How had a boy whom he barely even knew, a boy who he had just met made him smile so genuinely. He shook it off and briskly went to his room and laid down on his bed. _‘Dear Evan Hansen,’ he thought, ‘how you managed to find a friend in Connor Murphy is uncertain. But it isn’t bad. So who knows? Maybe this year won’t be so bad after all._ ’


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor go on a road trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took me three hours because holy shit i kept getting distracted by random stuff and having to get up and dance during Sincerely, Me every single time.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_   
_Today is going to be a good day and here’s why. You’ve found a friend in someone you never would’ve expected. It’s odd to think about but there’s nothing wrong with it. At least you have someone now. Someone who wouldn’t say “I’m only being nice for car insurance”. An unconventional someone._   
_Sincerely, Me.’_

Evan chuckled at his letter and hit print. He came early today so he could get this out of the way and not have to worry about it later.

“Another letter I assume? Dude those things are fucking weird.” _‘Speak of the devil and he shall appear, I guess.’_ Evan thought.

“Jared you know why I write them. My therapist told me to, it makes my mom happy, and if I show up empty handed Dr. Sherman will give me that disappointed look and you know I can’t handle that.” Jared laughed and picked the letter off the printer.

“I- I came here early so I could get the letter out of the way- Jared give it back-” Evan pleaded as he reached for the letter and Jared kept dodging him, eyes glued to the page. He looked annoyed, maybe even a little bit hurt. He shoved the letter into Evan’s chest. “Take the stupid fucking letter.”

Evan was startled and didn’t catch the letter. He watched sullenly as it hit the floor then bent down to pick it up. He took off his backpack, grabbed a small folder labeled _‘Dear Evan Hansen’_ , put the letter in it and shoved it back into his backpack. _‘Dear Evan Hansen, this day may not be so good afterall.’_

***********  
Evan shuffled into the lunchroom and went to go sit in his usual corner. As he got closer he realized there was a group already at the table. ‘Oh’. He sighed and went outside. Walking through the doors of the building, he noticed someone sitting under his usual outdoor spot under a towering oak tree. As he got closer, he realized it was Connor. Evan moved quietly to the other side of the trunk, sitting a few feet away from the taller boy.

“If we’re going to be friends, maybe you shouldn’t act like you’re still terrified of me.” Connor said dejectedly. Evan felt an embarrassed blush creep onto his cheeks. He didn’t know how to act around Connor.

“Sorry- I- I just- I-”

“Don’t want to be seen with me?”

“N-no, I just don’t want to mess this up I guess. I- I don’t know how t-t-to act-”

“Act like yourself Evan.” Connor deadpanned, growing increasingly annoyed. Evan nodded and scooted closer, almost to the point their shoulders touched. Evan looked curiously at the book Connor was reading. He couldn’t see the title but he did notice something else.

“N-n-nail p-polish.” He stuttered, mentally cursing himself for sounding so awkward. Connor looked up, slightly apprehensive about what Evan was going to say.

“What about it?” Connor asked, a hint of anger behind his tone.

“I uh- I like it. I think it looks cool.” Evan mumbled. He could tell by the look on Connor’s face that that wasn’t something people said to him often. “Yeah, I mean- I uh- I wish I was brave enough to something like that.”

“Oh. Thanks.” After that, they sat in a somewhat uncomfortable silence. The bell rang to signify lunch was over and Evan had barely touched his food. Connor stood up and it took Evan by surprise. He looked up at Connor, cocking an eyebrow.

“Do you want to skip with me? I don’t really feel like continuing this day.” He explained, reaching a hand out to help Evan up. Evan took his hand and Connor effortlessly pulled him up. Evan couldn’t mask the look of surprise on his face, he hadn’t expected Connor to be so strong.

“I-I really- I really shouldn’t,” Connor nodded in understanding, he hadn’t expected much less, “but I will.” It was Connor’s turn to be surprised. Evan Hansen, THE Evan Hansen, had just agreed to skip school. With him nonetheless. “You seem in your head right now Connor. It’s never good to be alone when you’re in your head.” Connor chuckled lightly and shook his head.

“Whatever floats your lifeboat, Hansen.”

“My- what? I’m pretty sure it’s just _‘whatever floats your boat’_ -” Connor rolled his eyes, he heard this every time.

“I say lifeboat,” he paused then shrugged as if to say ‘whatever’, “I say lifeboat because some people are on a boat. They’re fine. They don’t need to worry about much. They’re perfectly safe. But then there’s some people like you or me who need a lifeboat. We’re drowning in our own heads and we need help.”

“Oh.. That- that uh- that makes a lot of sense,” he chuckled awkwardly, “you wouldn’t mind if I started using that phrase would you?”

“Not at all, Hansen.” Connor started walking and for a second Evan forgot what they were doing. Connor stopped and turned around, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You coming Hansen?” Evan blinked a few times before remembering he agreed to ditch with Connor. He nodded hastily and moved to catch up to Connor. As he reached the taller boy’s side, Connor lazily draped his arm over Evan’s shoulders. “This is my car. Get in.” Evan walked around the car, inspecting it slightly. It was a beat up steel grey Ford Taurus. _‘The scratches and small dents give it character. It’s a pretty cool car.’_ Evan thought before getting into the passenger seat. Connor threw his backpack haphazardly into the back seat and even did the same. More carefully than Connor did though. Connor looked at his keys and made a face. A sort of _‘fuck. Wait.’_ face.

“Evan can you hold my keys for a second?” Evan nodded and grabbed them quickly, curious as to what Connor was going to do. He leaned over the console between the driver’s and passenger's’ seat and started rummaging through the back seat of his car looking annoyed. “I know they’re in here somewhere. Goddammit.. Where the fuck are they- aha!” He came back up holding two hair ties.

“Hair ties?” Evan asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion.

“I uh- I hate driving with my hair down. It gets in my face when I get road rage and I can’t see.” Evan nodded, it made sense. He moved to hand Connor his keys but Connor shook his head.

“Do you need two hair ties though?” Connor side eyed him as he put his hair back into a bun.

“I mean- no, I don’t. I used one for my hair and have the other on my wrist. It’s a um- i just snap it whenever I want to hit something or yell and get aggressive or if I’m having a rough time or something. The psychiatrist at rehab suggested it.” He explained, now taking the keys from Evan.

“Snap it? What do you mean by snap it?” Connor laughed and set his keys on his lap.

“Like, I pull the side that’s around my inner wrist and let it go. I let it snap against my wrist. It stings a bit but it’s not that bad.” He explained, demonstrating while he did so. “Now before you ask another question, how about I start the car and we drive away before administration tries to get us, yeah?” Evan nodded, feeling really embarrassed. Connor started the car and pulled out of the parking lot quickly. Evan watched the passing scenery, content with his current surroundings. Then he remembered something. He forgot to text his mom.

“Shit!” he whispered, hurriedly getting out his phone. Connor looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Whatcha doin’ Hansen?” He asked, looking back to the road.

“Texting my mom. Whenever I don’t feel well enough to go through an entire day of school I text her and then go home. I forgot to text her.” He replied, pulling up ‘Mom’ and hitting send message.

_To: Mom_   
_Hey mom, I can’t do today._

  
_To: Evan_   
_Hey sweetie! That’s alright. See you tonight! Love you :)_

  
_To: Mom_   
_Love you too._

Evan sighed with relief. The last time he had forgotten to text his mom, she almost called the police because she thought he’d been kidnapped or something of the manner. He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes.

“Hey Connor, where are we going anyway?” he asked, unmoving from his comfortable position.

“You like trees, right?” Evan’s ears perked up. He hadn’t told Connor that and he didn’t think he was that obvious. “Yeah. I do, but how’d-”

“You like trees, I like abandoned places. We’re going to the only place that falls under both those points.”

“The closed down apple orchard?” Connor nodded. “I’ve never been before.”

“It’ll be fun. Trust me.” Connor said with a laugh before turning onto an all dirt road. _‘What have I gotten myself into?’_ Evan thought as most all traces of civilization faded behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that they'll find out they're soulmates soon!! also check my tumblr for updates and to see what their soulmarks are !! My tumblr is @smolsadshitpost (it's cringy im sorry)


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor Murphy + Evan Hansen + Abandoned Orchard = Interesting conversations and surprising actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is shorter than my other ones im sorry i was pushing through writer's block. if you want to know my update schedule check out my tumblr! my username is @smolsadshitpost and it's a Big Mess but a Good Time

_‘Dear Evan Hansen, what the fuck?’_ Evan thought as he got out of the car. There was a tall gate but it looked rusted and even breakable. Connor walked around the front of the gate and moved toward the gate. “A-are you going to climb over it?” he asked skeptically.

“Yeah. I’ll open from the inside so you don’t have to. That broken arm of yours would be no help in scaling a gate.”

“Oh… thanks.” Connor shrugged and started pulling himself to the peak of the gate. He swung one leg steadily over, then the other and started climbing down. Half way down he jumped down and landed awkwardly. He tugged the gate open and swept an arm around his center as if to say _‘after you’_. Evan walked through the gate cautiously, he felt odd being here. Like it was some sacred place and he was intruding.

“Hansen? You good? You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” Connor asked, masking his concern with sarcasm.

“Yeah. It’s just that- I don’t know I feel out of place. Like I shouldn’t be here or something.” He replied, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly and walking towards one of the taller trees. Connor closed the gate and followed suit.

“I don’t think I understand what you’re getting at.”

“It just feels wrong for me to be here. It’s- it’s so- so serene and beautiful here. I guess I- I just don’t feel like I deserve to be able to w-w-witness something as stunning as this.” Evan felt at a loss of words, he was surprised he even got that all the way out.

“Need a lifeboat there Hansen? Now look who’s all in their head.” Connor laughed. As they reached the tree, he slid down its trunk into a sitting position. Evan sat next to him and started watching the clouds floating along with the breeze. They both took off their shoes and socks and placed them a foot or so away.

“Do- do you ever wish you were a cloud?” Evan questioned after a few silent minutes.

“I’ve never thought about it, but you obviously have.”

“They don’t have to do anything but go with the breeze. They create beautiful things, like rain or snow. They’re fascinating. Sometimes they’re there, dotting the sky and other times they’re not. If I were a cloud I wouldn’t be able to disappoint anyone.” Connor raised an eyebrow, surprised by the shorter boy’s words.

“Well y’know Hansen, you make a good point. But if you were a cloud, who would I skip with? If you were a cloud I would be completely alone,” he paused, realizing he may not be getting his point across, “my point is, I’m glad you’re not a cloud.” Connor finished awkwardly, looking down at the other boy. Evan had a faint smile on his face, so Connor figured he had said something right.

“I appreciate it.” Evan replied, looking up at Connor. Pausing, he mulled over a question he had, before finally deciding _‘screw it’_ and speaking up. “How come you never wear your hair up at school? It looks nice like that,” he stopped short, eyes widening, “n-not that it doesn’t look nice usually! I just mean-”

“Relax, Hansen. I know what you mean,” Connor laughed, “and I guess just because it makes me look less intimidating. Gotta keep up my reputation, y’know.”

“O-oh, right. That makes sense.” Evan sighed and another semi-comfortable silence descended upon them. Connor moved his hand to his neck, gently pressing on his soulmark. He didn’t really care about all of it. It just seemed pointless.

“What do you think of soulmates?” he asked Evan quietly.

“I-I-uhm- I- the concept scares me I guess? My mom didn’t have a mark and even though my dad did, she still married him. Then he met his soulmate at a bar, left my mom and moved to Colorado his soulmate who is now my step mom. I don’t- I’m worried I’m going to see someone with the same mark as me and be too afraid to say anything. And just having to watch them slip through my fingertips. What about you? What do you think of them?”

“Honestly, I resent the idea of it. My parents weren’t soulmates. They got married. Now all they do is fight and blame me for everything.They don’t love each other and I hate to think that that’s how it will end up between me and my soulmate, but it’s probably inevitable.”

“I-I doubt that will happen Connor. You aren’t your parents. Not all relationships are volatile like that. I mean- take Zoe and Alana for example! Sure they fight sometimes but they’re there for each other. They love each other.”

“I guess. I just don’t think it would suit me, you know? I don’t think I would be a good person to be with.”

“I do, though.” Evan whispered. Connor sat up away from the tree and shook his head.

“Of course you do Hansen! You try to see good in me where there is none! We’re a million worlds apart and you know it!” he roared. Evan flinched. He didn’t want to admit it was true. They were a million worlds apart, but it wasn't because Connor was "bad" and Evan was "good". It was because they both shut other people, including one another.

“There is good in you Connor. If there wasn’t would you be here with me? Would you have ever given that letter back?” Evan asked, staring into Connor’s eyes. Connor was taken aback.

“Having a conscience and being a good person are different.” He huffed.

“Are they really though, Connor? If you were as completely mean and bad as you play yourself off to be, would you have a conscience? Bad people don’t have consciences. At least not one they can actually hear.” Evan retorted. Connor opened his mouth to respond but he was at a loss for words.

“You make a fair point, Hansen.” he said quietly, retreating in on himself. Evan stood up and leaned a hand down to Connor.

“Need a lifeboat, Murphy?” Evan asked, smiling down at Connor. Connor didn’t look at him. His eyes were fixed on Evan’s feet. More specifically, the soulmark that graced his heel. It was identical to his own. His hand once again moved to the little concave diamond behind his ear. He swallowed roughly and looked up at Evan. “Connor? What’s wrong?” Evan asked, getting worried.

“Nothing, I just got lost in my thoughts for a second.” Connor shook his head and took Evan’s hand. Evan tried to pull him up but Connor did most of the work. Evan quickly grabbed his socks and shoes and put them on quickly and Connor did the same.

“Let’s walk around for a bit. I wanna see more of the trees!” Evan beamed. Connor nodded at him with a small smile. He took his hair down, and started to snap the hair ties on his wrist. As they walked around, Connor couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d seen. _‘He can’t know. I’d ruin him. He deserves better than me.’_

“What are you thinking about? Do you need a lifeboat?” Evan asked, worry evident in his voice. Connor couldn’t speak. His words were stuck in his throat. Even if he could, he didn’t know what he would say. He was stuck in his own body. “Connor? You’re freaking me out.” Connor didn’t even fully think through what he did next. Watching Evan panic like that, it set something off in his head. He didn’t know what. So he did the first thing he thought of. He leaned down and pressed his lips against Evan’s. _He was kissing Evan Hansen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really appreciate comments and kudos !! they make me feel validated !! i need constant validation bc i have no self worth (: Also I posted a picture of their soulmarks on my tumblr! so if you wanna see it, go check it out. @smolsadshitpost. je t'aime! Au revoir


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan comes to a sudden realization while talking to Zoe Murphy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the third time I've updated today. what's going on. I've written so much. I've been writing since like 8am. My next update is (hopefully, for my own sake) going to be tomorrow. unless i find my band shoes really quickly, then I might update again today.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_Today is going to be a weird day, and here’s why. Yesterday you ditched school with Connor Murphy and it was fun for the most part. Then it got confusing. How you may ask? Well, it got confusing because Connor Murphy kissed you then ran away with a look of complete terror. You tried to catch up to him, but he was gone when you got to the gate. He left you your backpack though, so that was nice. Anyway, we’ll see how this day plays out. Good luck._  
_Sincerely, Me._

Evan sighed as he finished typing. He didn’t know what to do, let alone what to think. He hit print, logged off and closed the computer, and waited by the printer with his _‘Dear Evan Hansen’_ folder. He didn’t want anyone to take it from him and read it. As soon as the printer stopped whirring, he grabbed the letter and put it into the folder then shoved the folder into his backpack and zipped it up. As he walked out of the computer lab he was stopped by Alana Beck and Zoe Murphy.

“Why have you been spending so much time with my brother? Is he threatening you?” Zoe demanded. Evan recoiled in surprise.

“What? N-no! He’s my friend! We’re friends.” Evan exclaimed.

“Since when?! I’ve never seen you hang out. You’ve only been to our house once, I’m pretty sure Connor hasn’t ever been to your house, so-”

“We ditched together yesterday. Hung out for a few hours at the abandoned apple orchard before uh- before something happened and Connor left in a panic..” Evan explained. Zoe raised an eyebrow and snorted with disbelief.

“Why don’t I believe that?” She spat.

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because you think he’s some monster who doesn’t deserve friends.” Evan retorted, venom dripping from each word.

“Damn, Evan Hansen, I didn’t think you had it in you.” Alana commented, clearly impressed. Evan shouldered passed the duo, he couldn’t handle them right now. Zoe grabbed his uninjured arm and pulled him back.

“I’m not done with you yet Evan!” she said exasperatedly.

“Yeah but I’m done with you.” he replied flatly, pulling his arm out of her grip and walking away. _‘Dear Evan Hansen, today has started out rough and it seems it’s only get worse from here.’_ Evan thought.

**********

Evan’s first and second periods went much faster than he would’ve liked. Now he’s sitting in the back of his English class, simultaneously anticipating and dreading Connor Murphy’s appearance. Right as the late bell rang, Connor walked in and he looked like he hadn’t slept at all that night. Something else Evan noticed was that he had his hair up in a bun like he had the day before. Connor quickly moved and assumed the only open seat, a seat just to the left of Evan. Connor grabbed a notepad out of his backpack and starting writing furiously. After about a minute, he slid the notepad onto Evan’s desk. Evan looked at him skeptically before starting to read.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_  
_I’m sorry about yesterday. I was in a weird head space. I’m sorry I kissed you. It was stupid and reckless. I hope it doesn’t change how you view me._  
_Sincerely, Me’_

Evan started writing a response. He knew it was going to be short, but that was the point.

_‘Dear Connor Murphy,_  
_Text me. Writing back and forth is likely to get this read in front of the class. 888-545-3232._  
_Sincerely, Me’_

He swiftly placed it on Connor’s desk and actually started paying attention to the lesson. He felt his phone vibrate twice but he didn’t check it. He would later, but for now he really need to focus on getting down notes. He looked at Connor with his peripheral vision. He looked dejected and hurt. Evan felt bad even though he knew he shouldn’t text in class. He felt it vibrate a third time but he ignored it. After thirty minutes the bell rang. Evan quickly pulled out his phone to look at the texts.

_To: Evan_  
_Hey_  
_It’s Connor._  
_Okay fine then. Give me the cold shoulder even though this was your idea._

_To: Connor_  
_I’m sorry._  
_I really need to pay attention in that class._

All he received was radio silence. So he just put his phone back in his pocket and went to his next class. His lunch period. He had about 25 minutes of study before lunch started and he just sat in his desk, absentmindedly staring at the wall. He wouldn’t have noticed the bell ringing unless Jared hadn’t said something.

“Evan. The lunch bell rang.” he said, shoving Evan’s shoulder heading towards the door. Evan snapped back to reality and blinked a few times. He quickly got up and went to catch up to Jared.

“Jared! Jared wait!” he exclaimed.

“Wait do you want?” Jared called over his shoulder.

“To apologize about the other day in the computer lab.” Jared didn’t stop walking. “I shouldn’t have written that. I’m sorry. I know it’s a joke but it still gets to me. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” those words stopped Jared in his tracks.

“You didn’t mean to hurt me? Just like I never mean to hurt you when I say we’re ‘only family friends’?” Jared snapped, not turning around.

“Yes! But the difference is that I told you it upset me and _you kept doing it anyway_. You did it because you _knew_ it hurt me. I was venting and you took it personal, but I’m still sorry alright!” Jared turned to face Evan, eyes cold.

“Whatever Evan. We’re missing lunch.” he replied coldly turning on his heel and walking away. Evan sighed, _‘why does he have to be so complicated?’_. He shook it off and went to the oak tree where he had gone to the day before. As he expected, Connor Murphy sat below the shade of the giant oak. His hair was down now. Evan sat down next to him. Not a foot away like the day before, but actually right next to him. Connor looked over at him, eyes only half open.

“What do you want Hansen?” Connor snarled.

“To have lunch with my friend.” Evan replied simply, getting his sandwich out of the paper bag his mom had packed it in. After he’d eaten about half his lunch, Evan put the sandwich back in the bag. “I uhm- I- I’m sorry I didn’t respond immediately earlier. English has a record of my worst subject so I wanted to try and get ahead.”

“Mhm.”

“Connor. If you’re still upset about the kiss, I want you to know that I don’t mind.” Evan explained. Connor nodded. His hair was in his face, but Evan would’ve sworn that he could see a smile. After that they sat in a comfortable silence until the bell rang.

**********

The rest of the day went quickly and before he knew it, Evan was home. As he walked into his room, he felt his phone vibrate. He took of his shoes quickly and laid on his bed before opening the message.

_To: Evan_  
_Hey Evan_  
_It’s Zoe._

_To: Zoe_  
_What’s up_

_To: Evan_  
_I’m sorry about this morning._  
_I just can’t really see you and Connor as friends_

_To: Zoe_  
_It’s fine._

_To: Evan_  
_Connor has been acting weird_  
_Well, weirder than normal._  
_You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?_

_To: Zoe_  
_Maybe?_

_To: Evan_  
_Well?_  
_What do you know?_

_To: Zoe_  
_Like I told you earlier, we went to the orchard yesterday._

_To: Evan_  
_Yes, what about it?_

_To: Zoe_  
_He started acting weird after_  
_Oh my god_  
_Zoe._  
_He started acting weird after he saw my soulmark_

_To: Evan_  
_Okay..?_  
_And..??_

_To: Zoe_  
_Zoe_  
_Zoe I think Connor might be my soulmate_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah... Evan is catching on. comments and kudos are much appreciated !! i hope you enjoyed it :) also yes, i did say kinky out loud after I wrote the line "today has been rough"


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rollercoaster of oddities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay well it's almost nine o' clock at night which means ive been writing for twelve or more hours. this is my last update today. for real this time. i've got so much shit to do oh lord. anyway enjoy the ride.

**_*Incoming Call; Zoe Murphy*_ **

Evan answered the phone, weary of what she would say.

“Hansen. Explain to me why you think that. Because it’s absolutely ridiculous.” Evan could hear the authority and power in her voice, and it scared him a little.

“WellImeanhewasactingnormalandthenithinkhesawmysoulmarkandhestartedactingweirdandhekissedmeZoe.” Evan said in one breath. He was starting to shake.

“Slow your roll, cowboy. I couldn’t understand a word you just said except for my name at the end.” She replied calmly. Evan took a shaky breath before starting again.

“Well I mean he was acting normal and then I think he saw my soulmark and he started acting weird and he kissed me, Zoe.” Evan repeated. Zoe was silent on the other end for what felt like hours to Evan. “...Zoe?” he asked quietly.

“Sorry. I was texting Alana about this whole, uh, _predicament_.”

“Why? Why are you bringing Alana into this?” he questioned, slightly upset.

“Because. She’s better at this kind of thing.”

“Okay.” it was silent for a moment before Zoe had a _‘wait, **what**?’_ moment.

“Wait Evan. What did you say earlier?”

“Which part?”

“Closer to the end.”

“Oh- uhm- that uhm- that Connor uhm- Connor kissed me.” Zoe felt herself pale.

“He… kissed you?”

“That’s what I said.. Why? Is that important or something?”

“I have to go. I’ll call you later.” Zoe said quickly before hanging up. Now it was Zoe who was shaking. She shook it off, went to Connor’s room, and knocked.

“What do you want?!” he growled from inside.

“Can I talk to you?” Zoe asked quietly. The door opened slowly and Connor peered around the door frame.

“About what?” he replied, with much less hostility than his first response. He opened the door wider and let her come in.

“I was talking to Evan.” Connor stiffened. “And he- he said you kissed him?”

“Yeah I did but he and I talked and we’re cool now so-”

“No. Connor don’t deflect.”

“Deflect what?” Zoe didn’t respond. She just stared at the picture of them when they were younger that was on his nightstand. She was on his shoulders and they were smiling. Laughing. Not fighting. “Zoe? Earth to Zoe??”

“Do you remember what you told me that day?” she whispered, gesturing to the picture. Connor shook his head but inside, he was pretty sure he did. “You told me you wouldn’t kiss anyone until you met your soulmate.” Connor swallowed roughly.

“I remember.”

“So then why did you kiss Evan?!” Connor sighed.

“We have identical soulmarks Zoe. I saw it. A concave diamond.” He murmured. Zoe slowly moved her hand to the left side her brother’s face and folded his ear forward. She hadn’t seen his mark in years. She dropped her hand into her lap and shook her head.

“Never would’ve expected it.” she grumbled.

“Of course you didn’t. You don’t think I deserve it. You’ve never thought I deserved a soulmate. Even when we were kids and you didn’t hate me with every fiber of your being.” Connor deadpanned.

“That’s not- Jesus Christ you’re impossible Connor Murphy!” Zoe yelled angrily, storming out of Connor’s room. Connor groaned, he didn’t want to deal with everyone's shit right now. _‘Fuck being sober. I need to get high.’_

*******

_To: Evan_   
_I’m not sorry_

_To: Connor_   
_What do you mean?_

_To: Evan_   
_About kissing you_   
_I’m not sorry_

_To: Connor_   
_Are you high?_   
_Sober Connor wouldn’t have texted me that out of the blue_

_To: Evan_   
_I might be_

  
_To: Connor_   
_Alright then_   
_We’ll have this conversation when you aren’t high_   
_Good night, Connor_

Evan put his phone on do not disturb and turned it face down. He grabbed his computer out of his backpack, powered it on, and opened word docs.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_   
_Today has been a day. Not a good day, not a bad day, just a day. A stressful day. I’m starting to think that Connor Murphy really is my soulmate. He was acting so strange after he presumably saw my soulmark. Then he kissed me and ran off. It’s so confusing. Connor Murphy confuses me in so many different ways. He’s a mystery to me. I want to solve that mystery but I don’t know how. I’ll figure it out eventually._   
_Sincerely, Me.’_

Evan sighed and closed his computer. He really didn’t know what to do. Setting his computer on the floor, he checked his phone out of habit. He had three texts, none of which were from Connor. They were all from Zoe.

_To: Evan_   
_Hey I have a question_   
_Is this what your soulmark looks like?_   
_*insert image of an oddly drawn concave diamond*_

Evan stared at his phone. How had she known?

_To: Zoe_   
_How did you know that?_

_To: Evan_   
_I saw Connor’s today._   
_He and I talked_   
_He said that yours was identical to his_   
_I thought he may have just been seeing things_   
_But apparently not_

_To: Zoe_   
_Oh._   
_I have to go._   
_I’ll talk to you tomorrow._

Evan turned his phone over once again, laid on his bed, and stared at the ceiling. He covered his face and resisted the urge to yell. He knew who his soulmate was but they hated every aspect of soulmates. They thought the whole thing was pointless. They didn’t think any part of the process was worth it. So what was he going to do about it? How was he supposed to be with the only person his soul wanted him to be with when the person completely rejects any and all parts of it. “Evan, you’ve fallen into a deep hole and there seems to be no way out. Good job.” he muttered before rolling on his side. _‘What a damn day…’_ Evan thought as he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes the sweet smell of anxiety and dread. I feel like they're becoming more OOC and if they are im s o r r y. I hope you enjoyed it either way. as per usual comments and kudos are greatly appreciated ! updates and all that are on my tumblr @smolsadshitpost. thanks for reading i appreciate it.


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: Evan  
> Are you ditching with your boyfriend again?  
> Joking  
> (not really)  
> But seriously, where are you
> 
> To: Jared  
> He’s not my boyfriend.  
> At home. I have a lot on my mind.  
> All I need is some time to think.
> 
> To: Evan  
> Ooh I never would’ve thought Connor was a lot to have on your mind  
> Kinky!
> 
> To: Jared  
> That’s not what I meant and you know it Jared.
> 
> To: Evan  
> Yeah, sure.  
> Whatever floats your boat, buddy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is shorter than usual bc I wasn't sure where I was going to go with it. also simultaneously happy and mad that my band concert got cancelled >:(

Evan didn’t want to go to school the next day. So, he didn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what to do.

“Evan honey, are you sure you’ll be okay? I’m sure I could find someone to cover my shifts-” Heidi tutted, looking at her son anxiously.

“Mom, I’ll be fine. I promise.” Evan reassured with a smile. She didn’t look convinced but conceded nonetheless. Evan walked her to the door and gave her a hug before she left. As the door closed behind her he sighed. He really didn’t know what to do about the whole Connor situation. It just felt so surreal to him. Not even a month ago he’d been practically head over heels for Connor’s sister and now he finds out that Connor is his soulmate.

“How can any of this be real? This has to be some sort of twisted dream..” Evan whispered, running his hands over his face. He didn’t know what he was going to do today. He didn’t like tv, he had no games on his phone, and he really didn’t want to write a _‘Dear Evan Hansen’_.. He decided he would just go back to sleep for a few hours. Shuffling back to his room, he started picking at the hem of his shirt. Why was the thought of Connor making him anxious all of the sudden? It was almost like he was afraid. Almost. As he got back into bed, his phone vibrated. Multiple times. He didn’t want to check it, but he did anyway.

_To: Evan_   
_Are you ditching with your boyfriend again?_   
_Joking_   
_(not really)_   
_But seriously, where are you_

_To: Jared_   
_He’s not my boyfriend._   
_At home. I have a lot on my mind._   
_All I need is some time to think._

_To: Evan_   
_Ooh I never would’ve thought Connor was a lot to have on your mind_   
_Kinky!_

_To: Jared_   
_That’s not what I meant and you know it Jared._

_To: Evan_   
_Yeah, sure._   
_Whatever floats your boat, buddy._

‘Lifeboat..’ Evan sighed.

_To: Jared_   
_Pay attention to class Jared._

That was the last text he sent before starting his nap.

********

Evan felt like he had only been asleep for 10 minutes when he was rudely awakened by someone pounding on the front door. He sat up groggily and tried to rub the sleep from his eyes. He could hear a voice, and kind of make out what the person was saying. He tried to focus in, really listen, so he could understand what was being said.

“C’mon Hansen! You’ve got to be here. You weren’t in third and you didn’t answer my texts and I was getting worried. Hansen please answer the door.” He recognized the voice. Connor. He grumpily walked to the door and opened it. On the other side was a very frantic and sleep deprived looking Connor. The look of relief on his face was somewhat surprising. Why had he seemed so… scared?

“Connor, what are you doing here?” He asked sleepily. Connor looked taken aback.

“I was afraid you might’ve- no nevermind it doesn’t matter you’re fine and that’s all I needed to know. I’m gonna go.” he replied, turning to leave. Evan grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

“No.. stay. It gets lonely when you don’t have anyone to hang out with when you stay home.” Evan said, eyes still fighting to stay closed.

“O-oh okay.” Connor stuttered as Evan dragged him into his house. Evan mumbled something along the lines of ‘room, check phone, right back’. Connor didn’t know what he was doing. Why had he come to check on Evan. It wasn’t like he would try again, would he? Evan tottered to his room, somewhat more aware of his surroundings. _‘Did I really just invite Connor Murphy into my house to hang out?’_ he sighed, walked into his room and sat on his bed. Picking up his phone he realized just how many texts Connor had sent him. Eleven. Connor had texted him eleven times.

_To: Evan_   
_You aren’t in third, you good?_   
_Where are you?_   
_You never miss._   
_Hansen?_   
_Hansen??_   
_You could at least text me back!_   
_Evan???_   
_It’s fourth now_   
_I’m starting to worry._   
_Evan?_   
_I’m coming over._

Evan stared at the messages. This- this didn’t seem like something Connor would do. He doesn’t seem the type to incessantly worry about anything. He was so spaced out, he had forgotten Connor was in his living room. That is until his phone vibrated.

_To: Evan_   
_You okay in there?_

Evan blinked rapidly, trying to ground himself.

_To: Evan_   
_I know you read my message._   
_Evan?_

He didn’t hear Connor come in and didn’t notice that his bed sunk. As he felt Connor drape his arm across his shoulders, Evan flinched involuntarily. Immediately Connor’s arm was gone and Evan could feel the hurt radiating from the taller boy.

“You’re scared of me.”

“N-no, Connor I’m not-”

“Of course you are!” Connor exploded, standing up. “Everyone is! Even my fucking family is! I don’t know why I expected you to be any different-” Evan stood up, grabbed Connor’s shoulders, and looked him in the eye.

“Connor Michael Murphy shut the fuck up! Just listen to me okay! I’m not scared of you. Not at all-” Connor grabbed Evan’s collar and pulled him up close to his face.

“You fucking should be.” He growled, shoving Evan backwards onto his bed. He left without another word. Evan swallowed nervously. _‘What the hell just happened?’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehheh im sorry (but im really not). comments and kudos are much appreciated!! updates and posting schedules are on my tumblr so if you want you could check that out @smolsadshitpost. This is a bit messy and I'm sorry. Je t'aime et au revoir!


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a breakdown and climbs a tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowie hey thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it a lot :) this wasn't fun to write but it was also kind of fun to write? also i realized i'd kind of been shying away from Connor's anger issues and violent tendencies so i tried to portray it a little at the end of the last chapter and throughout this one. I don't think i did that great of a job, but I'm still working on it. This chapter is an interesting time. have fun.

Connor stormed out of Evan’s room. Evan didn’t know. Evan didn’t what Connor had done. He didn’t realize how bad of a person Connor truly was. Connor got in his car and slammed the door, quickly turned the key and sped off. He didn’t know where he was going. He didn’t care. He just needed to get away from here. As he sped away, he realized just how badly he was shaking. He knew he shouldn’t drive like this, he knew he was driving too fast, but he just didn’t care. Even in his muddy and messy state of mind he still managed to actually stop at stop signs and stoplights.

“It can’t happen again… I won’t let it happen again…” he muttered. The glowing red of the stoplight illuminated his face, and as he looked into his rearview mirror he realized it made him look like what he was. A monster. That was all he was. That was all he’d ever be. The light turned green and Connor continued speeding. He was on autopilot. He didn’t know where he was going but he was driving _somewhere_. He felt hollow. Before he even realized, he arrived at the destination his autopilot had chosen. It was the abandoned orchard. He wasn’t sure why he ended up here. He didn’t want to be here, but he knew better than to get back on the road during a breakdown. Especially after… he shook his head, trying to sling the memory from his head. That was a dark day during an even darker time. It was an accident. He slowly stepped out of the car and tried to calm his sporadic breathing. It didn’t work. His hands were shaking so hard he felt like they might fall off. He quickly scaled the gate and made way to the tallest tree he could find.

He didn’t want to jump. At least... not yet. He just wanted to be higher up. Away from the nightmares that never seemed to cease. Away from that day the played on an endless loop in his head. Away from everything. He jumped up, trying to grab hold of the lowest hanging branch, but it was just out of reach. He punched the trunk in frustration.

Shaking out his hand and trying to dull the pain the was spreading up his arm, he wrapped his arms as far around the trunk as he could and started to shimmy up the tree. Once he was close enough, he pulled himself onto the branch and started going from branch to branch as fast as he knew he could without the risk of falling. He lost his grip about halfway up and slipped a bit. He managed to catch himself quickly at the expense of his hands. He hissed in pain and gritted his teeth. He could feel the blood that was gathering in his palms. He continued climbing nonetheless. He was almost ⅔ of the way up the tree when he saw a very thick branch that looked like it could support his weight. He carefully moved over to it and sat as close to the base of the branch as he could. Two or three minutes past and his phone started ringing. It startled him and he lurched forward, realizing just how high up he was. He hadn’t realized he had kept his phone on him. He carefully pulled it out of the pocket of his hoodie, wincing as the cloth scraped the open wounds on his hands.

**_*Incoming call; Zoe Murphy*_ **

He accepted the call and put it on speaker phone, knowing it would be better to set it carefully on the branch next to him than to hold it up to his ear and risk losing his balance and falling.

“Connor! Thank god! Mom was freaking out. Where the hell are you?!” She yelled through the phone.

“I uhm- I’m- I’m clearing my head.” he replied unsteadily. He didn’t want to tell her he was almost 65 feet up in a tree contemplating death amongst other things.

“Come home soon,” it wasn’t a request, “come home before mom loses her shit.” The call ended. Connor scoffed. He thought it was ridiculous. Why would he go home? The only person that wanted him there was his mom, and that was only some of the time. He closed his eyes and tried counting up to ten then back down to one to try and calm his nerves. It didn’t work. Recently whenever he closed his eyes he thinks back to that day. A year after what happened he was still racked with guilt. A year and a half after he thought he’d forgiven himself, and he had. Up until a few weeks ago. He didn’t know why but he had been swamped with guilt all over again.

“This isn’t fair.. I lived through it once. Why am I having to do it again?” he whispered, staring at his bloody palms. He hadn’t meant to do what he did. He had been reckless, and he’d had to suffer the consequences. He sat in silence for a while, staring up at the sky through the mass of leaves. A bird started chirping and Connor couldn’t help the small tear that dripped down his face and landed on his palm. He remembered when he was younger how excited he got over hearing different bird calls. It had made him feel joy. Now he just felt… nothing. His phone started ringing again and this time he wasn’t fazed.

**_*Incoming call; Evan Hansen*_ **

Connor sighed. He almost didn’t answer, he just stared down at his phone. He caved at the last second,  accepting the call and not even bothering with speaker phone.

“Connor? Are you okay? Talk to me.” Evan rushed out, clearly worried.

“I’m fine, Hansen.” Connor said flatly.

“Bullshit, Murphy!”

“Why do you care anyway?! You have no obligation to me and yet you always try and help me even if I _explicitly_ say I don’t want it.” Connor snapped, glaring at his phone.

“I care because- well because- because I just do! You’re my friend Connor! You’re my only damn friend!” Evan exclaimed, starting to get annoyed.

“Oh? What would you call Jared then?”

“An asshole who’s only nice to me so his mom will pay for his car insurance.”

“What about Zoe? Alana?” Connor challenged, expecting to have stumped Evan.

“Zoe only talks to me when she either needs my help for something or to yell at me for being your friend. Alana just calls me her acquaintance and only talks to me when she’s achieved something. She’s not exactly someone I would go to in a crisis.”

“And I am?”

“Yes Connor, you are.” Connor scoffed.

“I shouldn’t be. I’m not a good person, Hansen.”

“We’ve talked about this already Connor. You’re not a bad person.”

“You don’t know the shit I’ve done.” Connor whimpered, verging tears.

“Then tell me.” Evan pleaded.

“No.”

“Connor, let me be your lifeboat. _Please_.”

“You’d hate me if I told you.”

“No I wouldn’t!”

“You don’t know that.”

“And you do?” It was Evan’s turn to scoff.

“Yeah, I do.”

“You aren’t in my head Connor, you don’t know how I’ll react.”

“Fine. Fine! You really want to know?!” Connor snapped.

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay, fine,” a beat of silence, “Do you remember two years ago?”

“Of course I do. Where are you going with this?” Evan questioned, confusion lacing his voice.

“I’d fucking tell you if you’d let me talk!” Connor growled. He considered changing his mind. Not telling Evan. He shook his head. He knew Evan would keep bothering him about it until he told him. It just wasn't something Connor really wanted to talk about.

“...Sorry..”

“Anyway,” Connor took a steadying breath, he started to shake again, “two years ago. Our sophomore year. I-I almost killed someone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a way to end a chapter, amiright? Unfortunately (for you guys) i don't think I'm going to be updating again today. I might, but it's not very likely. This is a bit all over the place but it's Fine. Anywho! as per usual comments and kudos are much appreciated and for my posting schedule and updates on when i've posted another part check out my tumblr, @smolsadshitpost. Merci!! je t'aime et au revoir!


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor almost falls out of a tree and Evan gets salty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIED! here's Ch. eight. but this is fr the last update today bc I have to sleep holy shit.

Radio silence. That was all Connor heard. He knew this would happen. He tried to speak but he felt as if his throat was swollen shut. The only people that knew about it were his parents and his sister. Yet here he was, telling Evan Hansen how he nearly killed someone. The silence was deafening to Connor. He never thought silence could be this loud. After what seemed like centuries to Connor, Evan spoke.

“Okay.” that was all Evan could say. He was just as paralyzed as Connor was. Connor still couldn’t speak. There was another lengthy silence before an almost inaudible, “was it an accident?” Connor tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He tried and he tried but he couldn’t. “Connor..?”

“Y-yeah. I-it was an a-a-accident.” Connor finally managed to croak out. He heard a shallow exhale through the speaker of his phone. _‘Here it comes.’_ Connor thought.

“I-I-I don’t hate you, Connor,” Evan breathed, voice shaking slightly, “I-I’m not mad at you either.”

“What..? H-how do you not resent me?!” Connor demanded, voice hoarse and gravelly.

“It was an accident.”

“Evan I just told you that I almost killed someone and you’re acting like-like all I said was that I cheated at scrabble!” Connor was so confused, why wasn’t Evan reacting to this? To any of it?

“You also told me it was an accident… and don’t let my calm demeanor fool you, I’m doing my best not to have a panic attack because the last thing you need right now is me freaking out.” Evan explained. Now that he mentioned it, Connor could hear how deep his breaths were. “What you need right now is a lifeboat Connor, and I want to be that for you but you won’t let me.”

Connor gulped and dug his nails into his already injured palms. He did need a lifeboat and he knew it. He wanted it to be Evan, but he was deathly afraid of making Evan just like him. A worthless stoner with rampant anger issues and a tendency to break things or get aggressively physical when something went wrong. He thought back to second grade and the printer incident. It had been blown out of proportion by a lot. He never _threw_ the printer. I mean really, how could a second grader _throw a fucking printer_. Although he didn't throw it, he did however push it off of the table it was on. It was complete coincidence that it landed on Ms. G’s foot.

“Connor? Are you still there?” Evan asked. Connor could hear the concern behind his voice.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m still here.” _‘For now…'_  Connor thought grumpily.

“Do you want to talk about it? What you told me?”

“Haven’t you already prodded enough out of me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Evan you practically forced me to tell you something I obviously didn’t want you to know. You expect me to want to go into detail about it? What the hell would make you think I would want to talk about how I ruined someone’s fucking life!” Connor snarled, growing agitated. Evan didn’t respond and Connor wasn’t sure he wanted him to.

“Where uh- where are you?”

“W-what?” Connor stuttered, puzzled by the sudden topic change. He supposed that’s what Evan was trying to do.

“Where are you? I want to come to you. I won’t pry, I won’t interrogate, I’ll-I’ll just sit with you and be there if you need me.” Connor shook his head.

“You’re relentless, Hansen.”

“I know,” a pause, “so where are you?”

“Take a guess.” Evan furrowed his eyebrows. How was he supposed to know?

“I don’t know.”

“It’s fairly obvious. Just guess.” Evan groaned. He hated guessing games.

“I really don’t- I- up a fucking tree? I don’t know.” He said exasperatedly. Connor gave a light laugh and smirked.

“You’re getting there.”

“Wait, you’re actually up a tree?” Evan questioned, surprise evident in his voice.

“Yep. The next question is _which tree_ and _where is it_?”

“That’s- Connor that’s two questions-” Evan started.

“Okay, that’s not the point.” Connor interrupted sarcastically. He hadn’t realized just how much talking to Evan calmed him down.

“I know but still-”

“Hansen. Focus.”

“This is like some screwed up version of hide and seek. You know that, don’t you?”

“Again, not the point. Do you want to find me or not?” Connor jested, hoping to get a rise out of the other boy.

“Of course I do.” Evan replied seriously. It was silent from Evan’s end after that. He was trying to think of where Connor could possibly be. Then it dawned on him. He felt like a complete idiot.

“The apple orchard..” he whispered.

“Bingo!” Connor exclaimed, laughing a bit. He decided he should probably climb down so that way when Evan got there he wouldn’t have a heart attack. Putting his phone on speaker and stuffing it into his pocket, he maneuvered down to a slightly smaller branch so the descent to the ground would be a little easier.

“Connor? What’s going on? It sounds like you’re breaking up.”

“Nothing big. It’s just the speaker of my phone moving against the pocket of my hoodie.” Connor explained, trying to stay focused on the task at hand. One wrong step and he could plummet to the ground. He wouldn’t be as lucky as Evan to only get a broken arm, not from this height.

“Oh okay… I’m uh- I’m on my way.”

“Uhuh.” Connor really couldn’t focus on Evan right now. He managed to get down a few feet before he lost his footing and slid until he managed to grab hold of a branch.

“Ow! Fuck!” he hissed.

“Connor? Are you okay? What happened now?” Evan inquired.

“I scraped my hand on accident. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay. I’m about a mile or two out.”

“Gotcha.” Connor wasn’t really paying attention to what Evan was saying, he was too focused on not dying. _‘Why did I think this was a good idea?’_ he groaned internally. He refused to look down. He didn’t care if that meant he had no idea how far off the ground he was at any given moment. He would probably end up having a panic attack and falling.

“Just don’t look down…” he muttered, slowly moving to a lower branch.

“Don’t look down?” Evan repeated, clearly confused. “What do you mean don’t look down?” Connor took a deep breath, trying and failing to keep his anger in check. _‘Why does he have to keep fucking talking?!’_. Holding on tightly with one hand, he slammed his fist against the tree, completely forgetting he did the same thing early. He winced as his knuckles scraped against the bark, reopening the scabs that had formed.

“What was that noise?!” Connor couldn’t take it. He snapped.

“Jesus fucking christ Hansen _just shut up_!” He heard Evan gulp and he immediately felt remorse for his words. “Evan I-”

“No. Don’t.”

“Evan I’m climbing down the tree right now and you keep talking and it’s breaking my focus. I’ve almost fallen twice because I got distracted by your voice.” Connor ground out, trying his hardest not to scream and take his frustration out on Evan. It was silent for a long time and Connor figured Evan had hung up. He regretted snapping at Evan but it did give him the ability to successfully get all the way to the ground. He jumped down the last few feet and landed with a soft ‘oof’.

“I’m walking through the orchard now. How far in did you go?” Evan’s voice scared Connor, he really didn’t expect him to still be on the line.

“Not too far I don’t think,” Connor said sheepishly, “I figured you’d changed your mind and gone home.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

“Mhm.” Connor deflated. Had he really hurt Evan that bad?

“I think I see you.”

“Okay. If you do I’ll probably be there shortly.”

“Evan I really am-”

“Stop talking Connor.” Connor shut his mouth and slumped against the tree. He started absentmindedly picking at the scabs on his palms. He was so enraptured he didn’t hear the dial tone of the call ending or Evan stepping in front of him.

“You really shouldn’t do that. It prevents the skin from healing properly.” Evan scolded. Connor looked up in surprise. Evan sat down next to Connor and looked up at the sky. Connor wanted to say something. Anything. He just didn’t know what.

“It was- uh- it was a hit and run,” Connor found himself whispering.

“What was?” Evan asked lazily, not taking his eyes off the sky.

“I mean it wasn’t exactly a hit and run. I didn’t run. I hit, panicked, and called 911.” Connor said quickly.

“What are you talking about?” Connor gaped at Evan. There was no way he could’ve forgotten.

“The- my- what I told you happened in sophomore year?!” Evan made an _‘ah, right’_ face.

“Sorry, I’m just considering some things right now,” Evan explained, “you can continue. I’m listening.” Connor swallowed nervously.

“He was a senior at the time. His name was Jason Melbourne. Do you remember him?” Evan nodded, waiting for Connor to continue. “He had uh- he had gotten a full ride scholarship to Duke for football.” He felt his throat closing up. He didn’t know how to talk about this. Evan placed his hand over Connor’s and squeezed it gently. Taking in a shaky breath, Connor continued. “The paramedics got there quickly and took him to the hospital. I followed in my car, Evan I was so scared. I had just turned sixteen. I didn’t know what I was going to do.” He hadn’t even noticed how hard he had started to shake until Evan’s arms were tightly encircled around him.

“You don’t have to continue if you don’t want to Connor.” Evan whispered into Connor’s hair. Connor shook his head. That was the thing. He did have to. He couldn’t bottle up all the guilt any more.

“When I got to the hospital, Jason’s parents were already there and they had his little sister with them. I went over to them and I just started sobbing. I was trying to apologize through an unimaginable amount of tears.” Evan squeezed him gently and Connor actually found comfort in it. “Do you want to know what the weirdest part was?”

“Hmm?” Evan hummed, rubbing the back of Connor’s hand with his thumb.

“They weren’t mad at me. They didn’t resent me. They just hugged me and told me it was going to be alright.” Connor whispered, there was a look on his face that could only be described as ‘completely and utterly lost’. “It was hours before a doctor came out. They said there had been extensive damage to his spine and he was lucky to have survived. The told us it was probable he’d be paralyzed from the waist down for the rest of his life.”

Evan whistled lowly. ‘How awful…’ he thought.

“I was the one that was crying the most. Because I had destroyed someone’s life. I had obliterated his scholarship because I was reckless. I felt horrible.” Connor sighed. “I go over to the Melbourne's house twice a week and help out. Cleaning, ordering things, occasionally even cooking. Sometimes I even let his little sister braid my hair. Jason and I- we usually watch tv but sometimes we play games. And- and it boggles my mind because he doesn’t hate me either.” Evan chuckled quietly.

“You’re one in a million Connor,” Evan whispered, “as cheesy as it sounds, he and I are both lucky to know you.” Connor playfully shoved Evan, blushing all the while.

“Y’know what?”

“Hmm?”

“You, Evan Benjamin Hansen, are a major fucking dork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was six fucking pages in google docs. can you hear my suffering? i just couldn't stop writing bc i couldnt fucking figure out how to end it. it was ridiculous. i'm exhausted and my hands hurt. you know how the rest of this goes :P comments and kudos are greatly appreciated. if you want my schedule for updates and a somewhat quicker notification of when I post, follow my tumblr @smolsadshitpost


	9. Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan gets angry and Connor hides something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i stayed home today bc i was hella sick so i decided to update, but this is a High Key Mess, and short and I'm sorry. just. yeah.

_‘Dear Evan Hansen,_   
_Today is going to be a strange day, and here’s why. Connor hasn’t texted all weekend and Zoe hasn’t answered her texts. It felt like ‘National Ignore Evan Weekend’. It’s really worrying, honestly. Well, we’ll see how today goes._   
_Sincerely, Me.’_

Evan sighed as he hit print, and walked toward the printer. He was really worried about them. Both of them. He didn’t even realize he’d been staring at his printed paper until he heard someone clear their throat.

“Evan? Are you okay?” Alana asked, placing a hand on his shoulder. All Evan could do was shrug. He wasn’t great but he wasn’t awful. He quickly plucked the letter from the printer and haphazardly shoved it into his backpack.

“D-did you hear from Zoe over the weekend? Or Connor?” Evan asked quietly, playing with the hem of his shirt. Alana furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head to the side.

“Yeah. Both of them, actually. Why?” _‘So they **were** ignoring me.’_ Evan thought, rather hurt by the fact. Zoe he could understand. They weren’t that close. But Connor?

“They uh- they just haven’t texted me all weekend? I was getting worried but it doesn’t matter. I-I uh- I-I’ll see you later Alana.” Evan mumbled, and swiftly exited the computer lab. As he walked to his first period he sure to kept his head down. He didn’t want to see Connor. He didn’t want to see anyone. As he arrived to his class he went to his usual seat in the back and hoped Zoe wouldn’t make an appearance. But of course, the fates had chosen not to listen. He only looked up long enough to see her walk in but after that, he kept his eyes trained on his desk. Throughout the duration of the class he scribbled down some notes but his mind was too crowded to really make a coherent thought. He managed to avoid Zoe during class changes. All he could think was, _‘What did I do to them? Why wouldn't they talk to me?’._ He was thankful he didn’t have second period with either of them. Unfortunately though, Alana and Jared were in this class. They were fine but seeing Alana reminded him of think of Zoe and thinking of Zoe made him think of Connor. He didn’t want to have to face them. He didn’t want to face Connor. He shook his head and moved to his second period classroom. He set his bag down at his desk near the bookshelf.

“You look pitiful. What, did your boyfriend break up with you?” Jared teased, setting his stuff down in the seat next to Evan.

“For the last time, he’s not my boyfriend!” Evan exclaimed, suddenly very thankful the classroom was still fairly empty. Jared laughed.

“Then why are you being so defensive?”

“I’m not in a good mood. Leave me alone, Jared.” Evan grumbled, turning away from the other boy.

“Jeez you don’t have to be a dick.”

“Oh like you don’t know _all_ about being a dick!” Evan growled, still facing away from Jared. He practically felt Jared recoil from his words.

“At least I try not to sometimes! You either act like a dick or like _‘oh I’m Evan Hansen I have no friends and everyone hates me’_ whenever anything minor happens and you don’t even try to mask it!” Evan didn’t flinch, he knew it was true. But right now, he couldn’t bring himself to care. The rest of the class was very tense and it seemed to drag on for much longer than usual. The bell rang and Evan moved slowly, as if he was an automaton. His third period was just across the hall from his second so it didn’t take him long to get there. He shuffled to the back and plopped down with a quiet “oomf”. He heard someone shamble in and by reflex, he looked up. He sighed, _‘of course’_. It was Connor. Connor with his stupid hair pulled back. Connor with his stupid face. Connor. _‘It’s like they say I guess… Fate is a fickle mistress and of all the days Connor could’ve skipped class, today wasn’t one of them.’_ Evan thought grumpily.

“Hey Evan.” Connor said with a smile, sitting down in his usual seat next to the shorter boy. Evan didn’t react. He just sat there eyes turned down and an unpleasant look on his face. “Evan..?”

“What, Murphy?” Evan deadpanned, refusing to look at Connor. He knew if he did, it would dissolve all the uncertainty he was harboring. He wouldn’t be able to believe it though. That Connor actually cared. Connor raised an eyebrow. Evan only called him that in a joking manner, never with such hostility.

“Evan, what’s going on?” Connor questioned, gently placing a hand on Evan’s shoulder. Evan wanted to shove his hand away, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. So instead he just sat silently. “Evan come on.”

“Why did you ignore me all weekend?!” Evan demanded, remembering to keep his voice down. “And don’t spew bullshit like ‘we were having a family weekend, no phones’ because Alana told me that you had texted her!”

“I was busy-”

“Clearly not too busy to text Alana and not me,” Evan whispered, “Zoe hadn’t texted me either and I was scared you’d tried again! Because what other reason would there be for both of you to ignore me?”

“You thought I’d offed myself just because I hadn’t texted you?”

“No. I thought it because not only had you not texted me, Zoe hadn’t either! I knew that just because we were friends now that didn’t mean you were just magically cured of your depression. I knew that just because neither of us were alone any more it didn’t mean we didn’t still think about it some times. _I was afraid I’d lost you_.” The more words Evan had spoken, the more quiet his voice became. By the end, he was practically inaudible. Connor looked shocked.

“I’m sorry. I can’t explain right now but if you’ll uh- if you’ll meet me at the orchard after school it’ll make sense.” Evan shrugged. He didn’t respond. He wanted to say yes, but he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get a ride and he sure as hell didn’t want to ask Connor for one. “Will you just think about it?”

“Yeah. I’ll think about it.” The bell rang soon thereafter and the two boys went their separate ways. Connor to his fourth period and Evan back home. He didn’t think he’d be able to continue the day. He went to the main office and checked himself out. As he left the building he sent a quick text to his mom to let her know and then didn’t check his phone the whole walk home. He hadn’t felt the need. When he walked back through his front door, he took his phone out of his pocket so he could charge it and he realized he had a text. Not from his mom, but from Connor.

_To: Evan_   
_Please meet me at the orchard tonight._   
_I’ll wait for you by the gate._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sORRY i know Evan was kind of OOC. i was just having a Tough Time figuring out where this was going to go. hhhhhhhhh. the usual, comments and kudos meAN SO MUCH IM SO SERIOUS THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY and just. check out my tumblr for my embarassing DEH stories, update schedule and just my random content (if you're into that) @smolsadshitpost


	10. Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy tree bros !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im literally the WORST this is sO SHORT IM REALLY SORRY!! this is the shortest any of my chapters have been but i just couldn't think of anything else to add :(

Connor leaned against the column that was supporting the gate and checked his phone. Evan hadn't texted him back. It was approaching 8:30pm and there was no sign of the other boy. ‘I guess he isn't coming..’. Connor shrugged. He was going to stay later just in case. Connor was starting to drift when he heard the gate rattle. He perked up slightly, still not entirely expecting Evan to show. The mystery person climbed over the gate and landed awkwardly on his feet.

“Evan?” Connor asked quietly, squinting at the mystery figure. He couldn't make out their face.

“C-Connor is that you?”

“Yeah. Yeah it is,” a beat, “I’m glad you came.”

“I almost didn't.” Evan replied coolly. Connor flinched and he was almost thankful for the veil of dark that shrouded them.

“I’m still glad you did.” Connor smiled faintly. He gently took Evan’s hand and started leading him quickly through the orchard.

“Wh-where are we going?” Evan panted, slightly out of breath.

“It’s a surprise, okay? Trust me.” Connor answered over his shoulder.

“I don't like surprises.”

“I think you’ll like this one though.” Evan blinked as they approached a clearing that was seeping in moonlight. In the center was a blanket and a basket. He turned to face the taller boy, eyes wide.

“D-did you set this up?” Evan asked, trying to ignore the flutter in his heart.

“Yeah- Well, not alone, Zoe helped but uh- I- there was more but because of the storm this weekend I had to take it home and none of it survived the trip back.” Connor replied sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck.

“But uh- what- what’s all this for?”

“There used to be a poster propped against the basket. It said ‘I promise to _**tree** t_ you right if you say you’ll be mine’, and treat was spelled like t-r-e-e-t.” Connor explained, “I was planning to ask you to be my boyfriend.” Evan chuckled at the silly tree pun.

“Is that why you weren't talking to me?”

“I was afraid I’d ruin the surprise,” Connor paused, a slightly nervous look on his face, “so…. so will you?”

“What?- oh! Oh,” Evan blushed, embarrassed by his forgetfulness. “Ask me. I want to hear the actual words come out of your mouth.” Evan teased, grabbing the taller boy’s hand.

“W-will you be my b-b-boyfriend?” Connor stammered, taken by slight surprise at the request. In response, Evan just pressed his lips firmly to those of the taller boy. Much unlike their first kiss which was short and rough, this one was soft and slow. Neither boy wanted to pull away. After a while though, Evan moved back and smiled.

“So was that a yes…?” Connor asked.

“Nah I just wanted to kiss you for fun,” Evan remarked sarcastically, “of course it was a yes!” Connor grinned and pulled Evan down onto the blanket. They stared at the sky for hours just talking. About life, about family, about their future. They stayed that way, holding hands and watching the stars shift. They stayed with their eyes fixed on the sky until they both fell into a content and peaceful asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah. that concludes We're A Million Worlds Apart. BUT! (if i can figure out how) I will be making a second part !! comments and kudos mean eveRYTHING TO ME. lots of love !!

**Author's Note:**

> i finished this like 30 minutes before i posted it because i had to fucking figure out how to fucking get everything to fucking work (i.e. italicization)


End file.
